How Many Dates Before Relationship Talk?
I’ve been here too many times to mention but I’ve never quite known if there was an unwritten rule for how many dates before relationship talk should make it into the conversation. I’m sure you’re the same so I’ve done a little digging to see what the general feeling is on it.
There’s nothing worse than being in a new relationship only to realize that he/she is still swiping right on Tinder. Or, not being fully ready for an exclusive relationship only to have someone fantastic decide you’re not worth the wait. You may have never had “the talk” because many of our 21st-century dating rituals are now painfully drawn out.
To find out when the best time is to date exclusively then read this post.
We spend weeks using memorized and mirror-practiced pickup lines, months remaining in undefined grey areas, and many of us have even put off the idea of “the one” in favor of just having a good time for years. But the truth is that when we actually do find someone we’d like to date seriously, everything changes, and just like that it’s time to talk about being exclusive.
Social media and technology have changed the dating game, and even the ways in which we woo have changed. Now, millennials opt to “hang out” instead of going on traditional dates, and somehow, everything has become more casual. There’s more time spent trying to figure out if someone is worth spending a portion of your life with rather than getting to know them.
It’s almost as if there are just so many accessible and readily available options, so we’re slower to settle down and even slower to commit to a serious relationship. Thus, the time spent dating seems much longer.
There are so many varying opinions about the length of time you should wait before having the exclusive talk, all of which completely depend on the specific relationship and the people in it.
If you bring up the conversation too early, it could destroy any chance you may have had (like during the first date). On the other hand, if you wait too long to have the conversation, someone could get hurt (like a year later).
Plus, to complicate things even more, there are many people out there that expect exclusivity from the start. In Europe, for example, casual dating or dating multiple people at once is looked down upon and very uncommon.
Obviously, the conversation itself and the timing of it are extremely important. But when it comes to “the talk”, is there a difference between how long men think you should wait versus women?
How Many Dates Before Relationship Talk?
What the women say:
Women seem to always be the ones fretting about the exclusive talk, but in reality, they seem to believe the time spent in the grey area should be about 11 weeks or at least a couple of months.
According to Cosmopolitan, this is “A healthy chunk of time, but not too long for one person to be leading the other one on, which would make them a scrub, also known as a buster.”
This number seems surprising as women, more often than men, have been known to worry and seek advice from friends. Could it be that they are simply waiting too long to talk to the guy, and are instead waiting for clarity to come their way out of the blue?
What the men say:
For many men, the time spent waiting to have the relationship talk also varies. But overall, most men say they know whether or not they want to spend more time with a woman relatively quickly.
As love coach Evan Marc Katz shared on his blog, “I personally became exclusive with my wife after a month” because when you know, you know. “Guys who don’t escalate their efforts after about two months are probably a waste of your time,” he added.
Even more, men say they know after about a couple of dates or around the time they first sleep with a woman if they want things to go further. “It’s simple,” one man said. “You either want to spend more time together and get to know one another better, or you don’t, and it doesn’t take a few months to figure that out.”
Many men say they just don’t think about having the talk because they just assume after seeing each other for about a month, the talk has become unnecessary, and being exclusive is assumed.
So what does that mean?
A study conducted by both Zoosk and Glamour asked 1,000 women and 1,000 men how long they thought you should wait before making things official. Surprisingly, 75% of women thought you should wait at least a few months while 43% of men thought it would only take a couple of good dates.
Overall, it seems women are keener on waiting.
But a Google Consumer Survey conducted by Mic of 3,058 people last February found that the most common timetable for having the exclusive talk was just less than four weeks.
Even more surprisingly, 45.2% said they dated their significant other less than a month before becoming exclusive and 28% of respondents said it took them one to two months.
If so many people seem to be having the talk quickly, it seems logical that many women spend more time thinking about the talk whereas many men assume the talk is obsolete after about a month, which makes sense considering by that time, a couple has probably been on multiple dates, slept together, and spent a good chunk of time together. Instead, these numbers seem to be based on how long it actually takes for two people to bring up the conversation.
When it comes to being exclusive, having the conversation at about a month seems to be the average time period to wait. That may not mean it hasn’t already been exclusive for some time already though.
Researchers have found that falling in love only takes one-fifth of a second. Not only is that a lot less than the 11 weeks mentioned by women, it means that it could literally happen at any moment.
After one month or about six dates, spending time with a person is a considerable investment. But that doesn’t mean time should dictate your emotions entirely.
Decide what’s best for you, don’t get ahead of yourself, and never waste your time with someone that doesn’t realize your worth.
The Frequent Dater